chromo11 HOME
thrillingl STUFF
ABOUT chromo11
CONTACT chromo11
  <your background>
1.Q Tell me about the first time you remember being thrilled.
1.A The first time was 1978, when I rushed into the cavernous government printing shop to watch a six month project culminate in 10,000 copies of a red/white book come rolling off the press.
2.Q What’s the slightest thing to have thrilled you?
2.A Having three children
3.Q What’s the most frightening yet thrilling thing you’ve done?
3.A Hitchhiked across Canada when I was 17.
4.Q Tell me why you’re not completely sensible.
4.A To me to be sensible means to be dull and boring. I desire neither.
5.Q What’s the most uninhibited thing you’ve ever done?
5.A Having sex with my first husband in the same bed with his brother and his wife who were doing the same thing.
6.Q What have you considered doing for pleasure but were too concerned about the risks?
6.A Trying out my newly found sexuality, but too afraid because of AIDS and other diseases.


  <your thrill>
7.Q Describe the event in one sentence (there’s time to expand later)
7.A In a new job with a promotion in June 2003, was when I rediscovered myself buried as I had been for 22 years.
8.Q Tell me a bit about yourself around this time.
8.A I felt depressed. I looked frumpy, fat and forlorn. I cared about no one, not even myself.
9.Q List the sequence of events leading up to your thrill. Try to remember how you felt at each stage. The smallest detail could be important (this is your chance to expand).

It was just an incredible rush of emotions that at times overwhelmed me, left me day dreaming and at times disoriented and confused about who I was or what I wanted to do with the rest of my life.

It began in late May. How many 70 year olds are offered a new job that is part of history in the making, and with a promotion? Fellow workers half my age thought me insane to attempt change “at my age”.

The “thrill” was not one, but a series of emotional rushes. It began on Friday, the 13th when I walked away from an oppressing environment of 18 years. Saturday the 14th, I walked aimlessly through my house unable to put any of my thoughts together. Sunday the 15th I awoke to experience every possible emotion that lay buried all those years.

10.Q What were your thoughts and feelings at the precise moment of thrill?
10.A I think Sunday was when I looked in the mirror and saw myself for the first time. I was not a pretty sight. I had two choices. I could dig another hole, or I could try and reclaim those lost 22 years. I think on Sunday the realization of what I had not done over the past 22 years just hit me. It was quite a shock to my system and my very being.
11.Q What did you do afterwards?

I needed help but did not know who to ask and that is when I found it in myself. For the next month I read all I could about the new job. The subject matter was emotionally upsetting and at times unnerving. I began fantasizing about all the men I saw on the street, in the shops or on the buses. At first, I felt obsessed but over time discovered this was probably a normal reaction.

I joined a fitness club and began working out three times a week. In four months I lost 25 pounds and went down two dress sizes. I bought new clothes, had my hair styled and nails done. I wanted to be like everyone else, but I did not want to lose my identity. I began trying to work out how to find men to date. I had not dated in 46 years and trusted my emotions less than a potential date’s.

I encountered some strange males - married, cross-dressers and the 20 to 40 year-olds who just adored older women. I dated a couple of older men and found them dull. Those for whom I felt some attraction had been badly wounded by women in the past and were still terribly gun shy. Those I saw once. Widowers seemed always to have a dog given to them by a son after a wife’s death. One said of his late wife “It took her two years to die.” I thought it to be a remark of either someone who died emotionally when his wife died or who had no empathy towards women. We went on three dates and I never saw him again.

12.Q What were the risks?
12.A They were enormous. I would become fatter, slip into my old ways of thinking and acting and reacting negatively as I had over the years. Or, I would lose weight, buy new clothes and then discover I still did not like myself. Or, I would re-make myself only to discover that everyone would think me too old and not capable of anything.
13.Q What did you imagine other people thought of you during and after the event?
13.A I imagined that some would understand, that some would think my attempts laughable, whereas others might be a bit jealous of me for even trying to change.
14.Q How often do you think about the event, and why?

I think about it daily and sometimes wake up in the middle of the night or with a start in the morning because I was dreaming of someone making love to me only to find a cat cuddled up. I guess in many respects I think about all the lost opportunities and wonder if any will ever come my way again or if I can ever figure out how to reach out. I think about it also because a friend in the UK encouraged me to write about my life and all the events that shaped me to date .

The writing has made me understand that it was not the world or men that angered me, but I was angry at myself. Telling about my life has made me understand that some of the circumstances would have happened in any event because I had never had any control over my life, others always had.

15.Q Some people probably don’t understand how such a thing can thrill you; explain it to them.
15.A The thrill is in dressing and behaving in a manner that suits my personality and not my age. This might frighten you because you have been conditioned to act and react in a certain manner depending on your age and place in the world. Society dictates to you what you will wear, what you will eat, how you will dress, what mannerisms are acceptable and those that are not. Society dictates the rules and you follow them slavishly and sometimes you go to your death angry at having followed society’s rules, without ever being rewarded.
16.Q What three changes could have made the experience better, and why?

1. Having someone to talk to about how I felt because I would have felt less alone,

2. Being able to connect with people who have experienced the same types of changes because many self doubts would have fallen by the wayside, and

3. Living in a more modern home because my little bungalow still needs a lot of work and I would be ashamed to bring anyone over.

  Is there anything you want to add?
  I am not sure if this is even what you want. It was very difficult for me to write.
[back to the top] [back to the collection]





what do you find thrilling?