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  <your background>
1.Q Tell me about the first time you remember being thrilled.
1.A Losing a police officer in a car chase three months after I got a license
2.Q What’s the slightest thing to have thrilled you?
2.A At age fifteen a girl wanted to have sex with me.
3.Q What’s the most frightening yet thrilling thing you’ve done?
3.A Escape miraculously out of a burning car I set afire accidentally with a homemade bomb
4.Q Tell me why you’re not completely sensible.
4.A Powerful political people in my past can appear very refined but also as vulgar
5.Q What’s the most uninhibited thing you’ve ever done?
5.A Group sex
6.Q What have you considered doing for pleasure but were too concerned about the risks?
6.A Becoming a large drug dealer


  <your thrill>
7.Q Describe the event in one sentence (there’s time to expand later)
7.A After being pre-warned about a outstanding hit on my life, when I was confronted by the person sent to do the deed, he had second thoughts.
8.Q Tell me a bit about yourself around this time.
8.A I am always near the threshold of madness by my ongoing manic condition which makes me highly irritable and intolerant. I was also going through a divorce.
9.Q List the sequence of events leading up to your thrill. Try to remember how you felt at each stage. The smallest detail could be important (this is your chance to expand).
9.A Much psychoanalysis was helping me in one way to cope, but failing in medicating me properly. I was trapped by crafty business associates and not able to make the best decisions for myself. I felt I was winning, but I was legally being led down a path to ruin. Spiritually, however, I found a woman to love and became very happy with her. The only thrill was making love to her and making her happy and coping with life.
10.Q What were your thoughts and feelings at the precise moment of thrill?

There were no major precise moments of thrill, they seemed to come in a controlled steady stream as one whole amidst a backdrop of an otherwise emptiness that exist in the world. Being manic means little things can seem intense and thrill can grow disproportionate as well to where it becomes subjective if made known to others in a different reality. Having had made love to this woman on our first trip to the beach one holiday, made me have the only near hallucination ever in mania. Our hotel room over looked the Atlantic Ocean in Florida and all windows were open as it was very windy that weekend. The wind was unlike any I have ever felt before. It was forceful and seemed to be swirling around me from all directions as if to mimic my ambivalence at this tumultuous time of my life.

I arose around four a.m. as if the wind or something was calling me to go outside. I had to sit on the balcony with a blanket as I began meditating about all that was happening to me at this time. I was crying and happy at the same time. Comes five o’ clock or so and before the Sun began to rise, I notice the first rays of light come through the horizon, which was a sight I never encountered before. This whole scene unraveling before me was affecting more deeply than anyone else because of my internal condition at the time.

So around seven or so when it was bright, I noticed cloud formations of a lamb which at that point became a signal of God’s prescience and a voice of His I don’t know the meaning of which, but I took it as a call to wake myself up from this whole mess.

11.Q What did you do afterwards?
11.A Perhaps went inside to sleep next to her.
12.Q What were the risks?
12.A I would have not consciously made the effort to turn it off and then what? An unknown causation is the basis for risk.
13.Q What did you imagine other people thought of you during and after the event?
13.A She told me the following week after that that she wanted to break up with me, but she came back on her own soon enough when she figured no one else would lover like I could outside of this episode. She should have stayed with her first instinct and we both would have been the happier years later had she had enough common sense to do just that.
14.Q How often do you think about the event, and why?
14.A Not often because I can explain it. The medical community had me on anti-depressants which after awhile cause a manic to go into a manic high. This was the cause of that scenario.
15.Q Some people probably don’t understand how such a thing can thrill you; explain it to them.
15.A Those same people don’t see God as the creator of DNA structure, or a flower. They tell you it was caused by mutations, which stupidly mutations can only be shown to cause lower life forms, cancer being the most obvious, and therefore eliminating the possibility that given the above there was enough time in three million years for us to be formed from pond scum.
16.Q What three changes could have made the experience better, and why?
16.A Love, or rather the thrill of being in love is dangerous for a person with my condition. I should have been instructed by someone I entrusted that opening a Pandora’s box of emotions in this difficult time was to be avoided. No one can show a person in my state how best to do this.
  Is there anything you want to add?
  There are two types of drug users I have found. Those who have chemical imbalance and seek relief and those who want it to be a part of their life.
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what do you find thrilling?