about the first time you remember being thrilled.
a police officer in a car chase three months after I got a license
|What’s the slightest thing
to have thrilled you?
fifteen a girl wanted to have sex with me.
|What’s the most frightening
yet thrilling thing you’ve done?
miraculously out of a burning car I set afire accidentally with
a homemade bomb
why you’re not completely sensible.
political people in my past can appear very refined but also
the most uninhibited thing you’ve ever done?
you considered doing for pleasure but were too concerned about
a large drug dealer
the event in one sentence (there’s time to expand later)
pre-warned about a outstanding hit on my life, when I was confronted
by the person sent to do the deed, he had second thoughts.
a bit about yourself around this time.
|I am always
near the threshold of madness by my ongoing manic condition
which makes me highly irritable and intolerant. I was also going
through a divorce.
sequence of events leading up to your thrill. Try to remember
how you felt at each stage. The smallest detail could be important
(this is your chance to expand).
was helping me in one way to cope, but failing in medicating
me properly. I was trapped by crafty business associates and
not able to make the best decisions for myself. I felt I was
winning, but I was legally being led down a path to ruin. Spiritually,
however, I found a woman to love and became very happy with
her. The only thrill was making love to her and making her happy
and coping with life.
your thoughts and feelings at the precise moment of thrill?
were no major precise moments of thrill, they seemed to come
in a controlled steady stream as one whole amidst a backdrop
of an otherwise emptiness that exist in the world. Being manic
means little things can seem intense and thrill can grow disproportionate
as well to where it becomes subjective if made known to others
in a different reality. Having had made love to this woman
on our first trip to the beach one holiday, made me have the
only near hallucination ever in mania. Our hotel room over
looked the Atlantic Ocean in Florida and all windows were
open as it was very windy that weekend. The wind was unlike
any I have ever felt before. It was forceful and seemed to
be swirling around me from all directions as if to mimic my
ambivalence at this tumultuous time of my life.
I arose around four a.m. as if the wind or something was
calling me to go outside. I had to sit on the balcony with
a blanket as I began meditating about all that was happening
to me at this time. I was crying and happy at the same time.
Comes five o’ clock or so and before the Sun began to
rise, I notice the first rays of light come through the horizon,
which was a sight I never encountered before. This whole scene
unraveling before me was affecting more deeply than anyone
else because of my internal condition at the time.
So around seven or so when it was bright, I noticed cloud
formations of a lamb which at that point became a signal of
God’s prescience and a voice of His I don’t know
the meaning of which, but I took it as a call to wake myself
up from this whole mess.
you do afterwards?
went inside to sleep next to her.
have not consciously made the effort to turn it off and then
what? An unknown causation is the basis for risk.
you imagine other people thought of you during and after the
me the following week after that that she wanted to break up
with me, but she came back on her own soon enough when she figured
no one else would lover like I could outside of this episode.
She should have stayed with her first instinct and we both would
have been the happier years later had she had enough common
sense to do just that.
do you think about the event, and why?
because I can explain it. The medical community had me on anti-depressants
which after awhile cause a manic to go into a manic high. This
was the cause of that scenario.
probably don’t understand how such a thing can thrill
you; explain it to them.
people don’t see God as the creator of DNA structure,
or a flower. They tell you it was caused by mutations, which
stupidly mutations can only be shown to cause lower life forms,
cancer being the most obvious, and therefore eliminating the
possibility that given the above there was enough time in three
million years for us to be formed from pond scum.
changes could have made the experience better, and why?
rather the thrill of being in love is dangerous for a person
with my condition. I should have been instructed by someone
I entrusted that opening a Pandora’s box of emotions in
this difficult time was to be avoided. No one can show a person
in my state how best to do this.
anything you want to add?
two types of drug users I have found. Those who have chemical
imbalance and seek relief and those who want it to be a part
of their life.