about the first time you remember being thrilled.
was five or six I liked to lift my dress and flash my frilly
underpants at the boys. It was completely innocent, not sexual
-- all I knew was that it made the boys excited and it upset
my mother, so that was thrilling enough for me. But I soon grew
out of it.
|What’s the slightest thing
to have thrilled you?
know, chocolate? A picture of Jude Law?
|What’s the most frightening
yet thrilling thing you’ve done?
one night when I was 17 I took off all my clothes except my
shoes and then ran around my high school track. It was so scary
because I was pretty sure no one was around, but if there had
been someone I would have been caught and completely embarrassed.
But fortunately I didn't see anyone and when I reached my starting
point again I was both thrilled and relieved to put my clothes
why you’re not completely sensible.
impulsive. I make decisions too quickly, thinking it's better
to decide than to dither, but there are lots of good reasons
why it makes more sense to think something through before doing
the most uninhibited thing you’ve ever done?
running naked around a track as a teen. As an adult, the most
uninhibited thing I've done is to get up on stage and sing a
raunchy song at a charity fund raiser. I am rather inhibited
so there are not too many things that fall into this category.
you considered doing for pleasure but were too concerned about
I guess. I would never take them in reality because I am too
worried about addiction and other bad effects, but I have at
least wondered what it would be like.
the event in one sentence (there’s time to expand later)
on a girlfriend getting spanked when we were 12.
a bit about yourself around this time.
|I was in
the sixth grade and really only had this one friend. We spent
a lot of time together and were very close. I was entering my
rebellious teen years. I was not aware of any fascination or
sexual attraction with spanking (that came later, in college).
sequence of events leading up to your thrill. Try to remember
how you felt at each stage. The smallest detail could be important
(this is your chance to expand).
hanging out in my girlfriend's house one afternoon after school.
Her mother came home and immediately got very angry -- I guess
my friend was supposed to have cleaned the house and hadn't
done it and her mother was tired of reminding her. Corporal
punishment was a fact of life in our community so there was
nothing especially exciting when my friend's mother told me
I had to leave, and the look on my friend's face told me that
she was in very big trouble. I felt no thrill, only pity for
her and also a bit of disappointment that our fun was over.
As I moved toward the door I saw my friend's mother grab
her by the elbow and guide her upstairs to her bedroom. I
stood on the threshold for a moment and then got a little
twinge of curiosity and also rebelliousness. I quietly stepped
back inside and then loudly closed the front door so they
would think I had gone. To be honest this was the most exciting
moment, my heart was racing, wondering if they would see me
coming back in. But my friend and her mother were already
upstairs and they were too busy arguing. Well, it was less
of an argument than a lecture by her mother and some annoyed
protests by my friend.
Then my friend's mother said she needed to be punished. I
slowly crept halfway up the stairs -- I didn't dare go any
further because I was afraid if I went all the way up I'd
be visible. And I listened as she spanked my friend. It was
so loud, and my thighs were shaking because I felt like I
was standing right next to them, as if at any moment her mother
could detect my presence. In reality they were probably 20
feet away in my friend's bedroom and were both very occupied.
your thoughts and feelings at the precise moment of thrill?
a mixture of sadness for my friend, anger at her mother, excitement
for doing something I knew was forbidden, and disgust with myself
for seeming to be excited by my friend's suffering. In reality
I know I wasn't excited by it, but at the moment I was second
guessing myself -- had I stayed behind because I secretly WANTED
my friend to experience pain and shame?
you do afterwards?
seemed to end in a heartbeat, though it probably lasted around
a minute. When the smacks stopped I backed down the stairs as
carefully and quickly as I could, terrified by the thought of
making a stair squeak or knocking down a picture frame. As I
was leaving my friend's house her mother was still yelling at
her, and she was crying loudly. I remember feeling very sad
and sorry for her.
foremost: shame. If her mother had caught me I would have felt
like such a creep. The second risk was that my friend would
not have been particularly understanding (I like to think she
would have, but I'll never know because I never told her). It
could have ruptured my closest friendship. Thirdly -- least
of all in my mind -- my friend's mother would have called my
mother and I would have faced the music at home.
you imagine other people thought of you during and after the
didn't know I was there, my friend probably didn't change her
feelings about me, and her mother probably just thought I was
a bad influence since she was hanging out with me instead of
doing her chores.
do you think about the event, and why?
During my teen years I didn't think about it much; I kept it
a secret from my friend and then we drifted apart anyway. But
in college I became aware of my shameful desire to be spanked
by my boyfriend, and then I started having deeper, more Victorian
sexual fantasies. I would sometimes replay my friend's spanking
to feed into those fantasies, but I always felt conflicted.
Nowadays I hardly ever think about it, though when asked the
question "What is your most thrilling moment," this
event and running track in the nude come to mind quickly.
probably don’t understand how such a thing can thrill
you; explain it to them.
|I can see
why someone wouldn't understand the thrill of listening to someone
get spanked; it's a cruel way to treat a child, so I won't try
to explain that. But imagine that there is some other thing
that you are forbidden to witness, and yet you see or hear it
anyway. I think one of the main things that made it a thrill
was the fear of getting caught.
changes could have made the experience better, and why?
that's hard. My friend was made to suffer and cry, and I witnessed
it. I am still a little ashamed of it what I did -- I haven't
discussed this with anyone but my husband. So I am not comfortable
saying I want the experience to have been better.
anything you want to add?